So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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