I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Randomize
