the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
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she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
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You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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