WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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