You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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