I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
