My friends, they love my intelligence
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
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