So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
