someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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