I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
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