we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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