he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
