I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
