Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
