i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
