Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
