She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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