You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
