Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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