Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
