I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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