Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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