We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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