Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
