can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
