he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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