Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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