it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
