I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
You're a waste of cheezeits
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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