I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
