I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
