dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
