Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
