I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
