dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
