I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Don't tell me you're on acid again
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
