he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
