We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
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