if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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