The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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