I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
bring money and cleavage
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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