u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
