I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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