Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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