You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
