How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
