The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
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Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
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He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..