i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
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The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
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You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass