The maid of honor just puked.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.