Duck Duck Cougar?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
