I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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