Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
