hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
