just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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