I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
