Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
