I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
