You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
