I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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