Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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