the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
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