so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
