yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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