If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
