sorry about calling you the devil all night.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
